True Confessions Time

I’ve been relapsing pretty hard (or flaring or aggressive resting or in active cycle or whatever happens to be your favorite term for when a chronic illness gets the upper hand for a few days) for about the past week.

I’m a pretty balanced, gentle person around these things. I encourage folks to take really good care of themselves and I mean it. I even do a decent job of taking my own advice. I mean, twenty years in, I’ve kind of gotten the hang of this thing. I know what my limits are and that if I don’t rest, it only gets worse and takes longer to ease up. Then there comes the day, typically about a week to ten days in, when I just want to dooooooo the stuff I want to doooooooo.

Now.

Not think about it. Not stare at it. Not precontemplate it. Not wish for it. Not ask someone else to do it.

I start to get a little disgusted that I have all of these ideas and inspirations and, let’s face it, pressing deadlines and piling emails. I look for opportunities to sneak in some productivity. I push a little harder. I stay up a little (okay, a whole lot) later. I do some Olympic-level mental gymnastics to ignore the pain and fatigue and nagging little voice that says, “This little game you play only makes it worse. Rest!”

So, I’m going through my not-feeling-so-great-but-determined-to-be-productive morning routine. I force myself to get up with Ned Andrew and walk Champ (in the rain). I straighten the kitchen after abandoning it to write a paper last night. I come up to the studio and sit at the desk to make my list of accomplishments for the upcoming day. I check email for urgent requests and stop by Facebook for a quick check on how folks are. I update my status:

I turn my attention back to my desk, straightening pens, organizing papers, lighting a candle or two, and flip my perpetual calendar to October 13.

“Never give up on yourself or feel shame as a result of not fulfilling your objective to serve as a being of inspiration. Every fall that  you take is a gift, and every relapse is a glorious opportunity.”

— Dr Wayne Dyer, Inspiration Perpetual Flip Calendar

Whoa.

So, okay. No shame in this relapse thing — whether it be a physical or spiritual or or financial or motivational or emotional or relationship-tional set-back. It’s a pause. As much as I’d like to barrel forward into my next set of accomplishments, maybe I truly need this pause. Maybe I don’t just need a physical break, but a real respite from the pressure and intention and expectation to accomplish stuff for a bit.

I may still make/do/organize/read/plan during this pause. But I’m going to try to be okay with the reality that the one thing I may actually accomplish is taking the next breath.