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Not Nearly Enough…

November 13, 2005 By 2 Comments

Yeah, I went to the gym. On Monday. It isn’t just the fact that I am falling behind on my goals. It isn’t that my weight loss is slow going without the workouts. It is the fact that I am tired and unmotivated and sluggish and depressed when I don’t get to the gym. Physical activity (or lack thereof) has a direct impact on my spirits. Given that I am going through one of the hardest transitions of my life, I am not at all surprised that I am feeling a down, but I really do need to take better care of myself.

Having said all of that, I can report another half pound has gone missing from my rear. Yup. I am down to 150.5 lbs and 1.5 pounds from goal. I toyed with the idea of buying myself a super-huge MP3 player as a reward for hitting my goal weight, but looks like I am giving myself a new life instead.

Oh, and for all you race fans, here is the latest result in my efforts to move the car:

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Move The Car…

November 7, 2005 By 1 Comment

Yeah, I have hit 151 pounds. Which means that I only have 2 pounds to go to reach goal. The fact that I am losing anyting at all is due to my continued awareness and restriction of my food intake and has nothing to do with fitness. I am about to change that, though. Yes. Believe it. I am off to the gym (75/200). But first let’s move the car.

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Fast Forwarding Standing Still…

November 6, 2005 By 1 Comment

I am still not going to the gym. I still weigh 151.5 lbs. I am still in the process of going through a divorce. I feel like I am standing still. But life is on fast forward. I am dealing with attorneys and court dates and divvying up our art. It seems somewhat surreal. If surreal means super-real and unreal all at the same time.

Soap Box Of The Day: Oh, and what if your child had a disability and you found out that the disability was caused by something that is completely preventable and that someone knew that potential before your child was injured and they chose not to tell anyone and now it is too late for your child – and about 1% of the children born since 1991 – and now they are working to make sure that those children never get their day in court under the auspices of national security and no one seems to care except a few parents and scientists who know the truth when ultimately thousands of children could be affected and not be given the antidote until it is too late because some very powerful people are embarrassed/afraid that they will be held responsible and so they are rushing to cover their asses and ship the stuff to China under the guises of “humanitarian aide” when it should be called “bioterrorism” because Chinese children shouldn’t be given this stuff any more than American children but we are doing it anyway because we have figured out that people buy into this “better them than me” shit and won’t do anything to stop it? Yeah, it is one hell of a run-on sentence, but when you are fucking angry and sad and disillusioned, who cares about punctuation?

It is just a theory, but China is going to hate us. It isn’t going to be pretty when a fifth of the world’s population finds out that we screwed them. On purpose. Just don’t say you weren’t warned.

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Yeah, No…

October 30, 2005 By 2 Comments

So, you think you have a handle on what makes your body lose or gain weight. So, you track those things and tweak them to maximize the subtraction from the poundage. And you plateau. So then you hit a marshmallow-filled holiday (say, Halloween) and eat your age in s’mores and the next thing you know you have dropped another half a pound.

Makes you want to say things like, “What the hell? I think I will just eat my face off and lose those last couple of pounds.” But you know that it is really the diet gods playing tricks on you. It is the mantra of the season, afterall. Trick-or-treat. It looks like I get both.

Don’t tell the diet gods that I haven’t been to the gym. They might see fit to give me flat abs just to mess with my mind.

Oh – and it is time to move the car. Vrrrooooommmm…

No Tricks there.

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Given Everything Going On…

October 28, 2005 By Leave a Comment

The fact that I can move the car seems somehow of very little import. Well, except for the fact that it makes my son happy. Oh, and it means I am only 3 pounds from goal. And, yes, it is a sign that I am still taking care of myself as I struggle through this period of my life. So, maybe it isn’t such a tiny deal after all. So, let’s see where a half-pound loss puts the car.

Yup. I weight 152 pounds. Never mind that it took me 3 days to lose 3 pounds and then 3 weeks to lose another half pound. Never mind that I was hoping to hit goal by Halloween. Well, if I can lose 3 pounds in 3 days, I could still, theoretically, hit goal by then – but I ain’t countin’ on it. As Jules pointed out, I am very close to goal, have an optimal BMI and look and feel pretty great about where I am.

I do think I will aim a little lower than 149 lbs, though. Probably another 10 pounds lower. That puts me at 10 pounds over my college weight. I know there was a study about adult weight gain that said that 11 pounds of gain over the course of your adult life is the upper limit. I am taking that seriously. I will say that at 129, I was rain-thin and really don’t want to get that small. So, 149 is good but 139 will be my next target. I figure then that the 4 pound fluctuations I do through the month will still keep me under 145. 145 will be my “OMG I should probably run an extra mile” number.

All of this babbling to avoid the real topic of my thoughts. The appointment with the attorney went fine. We have everything nailed down but one last number. You know the number. Yeah, that would be the child support. My wasband is self-employed, and as such is hard to pin down when it comes to income. But, I am officially not going to worry about it. I am perfectly capable of taking care of my children. If we can’t come to an agreement, the courts will make a decision. It is not within my control. So, I am not going to spend energy attempting to control something that I cannot.

Having said that, I am off to do the things I can control. Namely, taking care of my kids, eating properly, getting some form of exercise, and doing my homework for Marketing. Eight months from now I will have my Bachelor’s. The timing of this split will not derail my dreams. So there.

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Crickets…

October 26, 2005 By 2 Comments

Judging from the overwhelming number of comments, the details of my life outside of shedding pounds and running to nowhere are of little interest to the folks who frequent the MegaChallenge. There would have been a time I would have chosen one of two courses: stopped talking about my life or to have taken it personally and moped for a week.

Well, this isn’t that time.

I really have nothing to report in the fitness quest. I have maintained a 152.5 lb weight for two weeks. Not exactly stellar if you are trying to weigh less than that – but not a bad effort when you are close to maintenance.

In divorce news, I meet with my attorney tomorrow afternoon. In some ways it can’t come quickly enough. In others, it feels like it is all blazing by faster than I can process it all.

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Fall. The Season of Corn Mazes and Attorneys…

October 24, 2005 By Leave a Comment

In an attempt to bring some semblance of normalcy to our children’s lives, my wasband and I headed out to visit a local pumpkin patch. It is a decent hike out there, and there are two main ways to get there; via interstate or via curvy surface roads. Of course, our lives being the mixed up weirdness that they are, we took the curvy path. Funky weird thing is that it is the same route that my dad took to get to the church the day we got married.

As I mentioned, it is a hike out there, so we don’t often drive past this particularly scenic church – and I hadn’t seen it in several years. So, how perfect is it that as we approach the place where this marriage started that my attorney called me to discuss arranging our divorce?? Yeah. It really happened exactly that way.

We made it to the farm without ripping each other apart. As a matter of fact, so far there is very little ugliness going on. Which, come to think of it, is a nice change from our normal routine. Maybe it is the fact that we have both given up. Maybe it is the fact that we are too sad to fight about it. I dunno. Regardless, so far there has been less bickering over the details of our divorce than there generally is over which rellies get to see us over the holidays.

The pumpkin patch was lovely. It is (finally) cold enough outside that it feels like fall. So, we were all bundled up in sweaters and jackets for the hay ride out. The kids each chose the very best pumpkin from the rows and rows and rows of options. To top it off, the farm has a corn maze – not a terribly elaborate one, but curvy and confusing enough to excite the sub-8-year-old crowd. We spent the better part of an hour (73/200) weaving and backtracking through the stalks until we found the exit.

Hmmmm. An overly-obvious metaphor? Perhaps. But walking out of that maze felt quite a bit like walking away from this marriage. While I enjoyed some of the mystery, excitement, and surprises of the time in the maze, I was really happy to get out into the open field in the end. After all, there is only so much weaving and backtracking you can do before you begin feeling a little confused and claustrophobic.

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Running to Nowhere…

October 20, 2005 By Leave a Comment

I think I am beginning to understand how hamsters must feel on those little wheels. I finally made it back to the gym and spent some time with the elliptical trainer (72/200). If it weren’t for the fact that it removes layers of fat from my ass it would be such a ridiculous waste of time. Frankly, it probably is even with the physical benefits, but I am too *me* to do something else. So, I am sticking with it.

It sort of makes a nice metaphor for my life, though. I have spent the past 10 (12?) years of my life running to nowhere. Sure, I have given birth and partially raised two children, completed all but 20 hours of my degree, read books, prayed, worked on my own emotional health, and stuff along those lines. But, I have also spent an enormous amount of time and energy trying to stay connected to someone who just doesn’t get it – in order to be a healthy couple, you have to work on being healthy individuals. One person can’t make it all work out for the other.

So, yeah, I am pretty sad about the fact that we are breaking apart. And I have spent plenty of nights wondering if I could have done anything else/differently/better to have made everything work out. But, I can’t help but hope that this divorce will be my chance to make my life into something more than it has been. To this point, I have been defined by my relationships to other people – and obviously I will still be a mom, sister, friend, daughter – but I am looking forward to getting to know who I am – authentically, without the pressures to fit into someone else’s picture of who I should be. This is probably the ultimate MegaChallenge. It somehow feels easier and safer to perform an assigned role than to branch out and try something new – however poorly the assigned role actually fits.

So, here’s to getting off of the hamster wheel and discovering my own path. But I am sticking with the elliptical trainer at the gym – for now – I can only manage one major life change at a time.

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Still Here…

October 19, 2005 By 1 Comment

But in a disjointed, out-of-body sort of way. Lots going on emotionally that I just can’t put into words.

Nothing much going on in the health and fitness department – though I did walk a couple of times this week (70 and 71/200). Fall weather is my favorite – so I will probably do more walking than gymming until it turns cold.

Someone wrote that getting a divorce was like ripping your veins out. I have never done the latter – but I would tend to agree. Of course, there is a part of me that is looking forward to life without my wasband. Right now that life seems really far away.

I am really craving a sleeve of Ore0s. Of course, I am using all my powers of resistance to avoid any such purchase – but don’t think that the thought hasn’t plagued me quite a bit. I don’t want to lose track of my goal: a healthy, happy Gina. Ore0s aren’t in that picture. Really. Not even one sleeve.

Creme Brulée… well, that’s a completely different discussion.

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For Those Keeping Score at Home…

October 14, 2005 By Leave a Comment

I have taken a day off from my pound-a-day loss trend. The scale said the same thing today as it did yesterday: 152.5. How odd that it is somehow a relief to not lose weight for a day. Yeah, I am the same woman who was bitching endlessly about being stuck at 159. What can I say? I am fickle that way.

Anyone want to place bets on how long it takes me to panic that I am not dropping weight?

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