Given Everything Going On…

The fact that I can move the car seems somehow of very little import. Well, except for the fact that it makes my son happy. Oh, and it means I am only 3 pounds from goal. And, yes, it is a sign that I am still taking care of myself as I struggle through this period of my life. So, maybe it isn’t such a tiny deal after all. So, let’s see where a half-pound loss puts the car.

Yup. I weight 152 pounds. Never mind that it took me 3 days to lose 3 pounds and then 3 weeks to lose another half pound. Never mind that I was hoping to hit goal by Halloween. Well, if I can lose 3 pounds in 3 days, I could still, theoretically, hit goal by then – but I ain’t countin’ on it. As Jules pointed out, I am very close to goal, have an optimal BMI and look and feel pretty great about where I am.

I do think I will aim a little lower than 149 lbs, though. Probably another 10 pounds lower. That puts me at 10 pounds over my college weight. I know there was a study about adult weight gain that said that 11 pounds of gain over the course of your adult life is the upper limit. I am taking that seriously. I will say that at 129, I was rain-thin and really don’t want to get that small. So, 149 is good but 139 will be my next target. I figure then that the 4 pound fluctuations I do through the month will still keep me under 145. 145 will be my “OMG I should probably run an extra mile” number.

All of this babbling to avoid the real topic of my thoughts. The appointment with the attorney went fine. We have everything nailed down but one last number. You know the number. Yeah, that would be the child support. My wasband is self-employed, and as such is hard to pin down when it comes to income. But, I am officially not going to worry about it. I am perfectly capable of taking care of my children. If we can’t come to an agreement, the courts will make a decision. It is not within my control. So, I am not going to spend energy attempting to control something that I cannot.

Having said that, I am off to do the things I can control. Namely, taking care of my kids, eating properly, getting some form of exercise, and doing my homework for Marketing. Eight months from now I will have my Bachelor’s. The timing of this split will not derail my dreams. So there.

Crickets…

Judging from the overwhelming number of comments, the details of my life outside of shedding pounds and running to nowhere are of little interest to the folks who frequent the MegaChallenge. There would have been a time I would have chosen one of two courses: stopped talking about my life or to have taken it personally and moped for a week.

Well, this isn’t that time.

I really have nothing to report in the fitness quest. I have maintained a 152.5 lb weight for two weeks. Not exactly stellar if you are trying to weigh less than that – but not a bad effort when you are close to maintenance.

In divorce news, I meet with my attorney tomorrow afternoon. In some ways it can’t come quickly enough. In others, it feels like it is all blazing by faster than I can process it all.

Fall. The Season of Corn Mazes and Attorneys…

In an attempt to bring some semblance of normalcy to our children’s lives, my wasband and I headed out to visit a local pumpkin patch. It is a decent hike out there, and there are two main ways to get there; via interstate or via curvy surface roads. Of course, our lives being the mixed up weirdness that they are, we took the curvy path. Funky weird thing is that it is the same route that my dad took to get to the church the day we got married.

As I mentioned, it is a hike out there, so we don’t often drive past this particularly scenic church – and I hadn’t seen it in several years. So, how perfect is it that as we approach the place where this marriage started that my attorney called me to discuss arranging our divorce?? Yeah. It really happened exactly that way.

We made it to the farm without ripping each other apart. As a matter of fact, so far there is very little ugliness going on. Which, come to think of it, is a nice change from our normal routine. Maybe it is the fact that we have both given up. Maybe it is the fact that we are too sad to fight about it. I dunno. Regardless, so far there has been less bickering over the details of our divorce than there generally is over which rellies get to see us over the holidays.

The pumpkin patch was lovely. It is (finally) cold enough outside that it feels like fall. So, we were all bundled up in sweaters and jackets for the hay ride out. The kids each chose the very best pumpkin from the rows and rows and rows of options. To top it off, the farm has a corn maze – not a terribly elaborate one, but curvy and confusing enough to excite the sub-8-year-old crowd. We spent the better part of an hour (73/200) weaving and backtracking through the stalks until we found the exit.

Hmmmm. An overly-obvious metaphor? Perhaps. But walking out of that maze felt quite a bit like walking away from this marriage. While I enjoyed some of the mystery, excitement, and surprises of the time in the maze, I was really happy to get out into the open field in the end. After all, there is only so much weaving and backtracking you can do before you begin feeling a little confused and claustrophobic.

Running to Nowhere…

I think I am beginning to understand how hamsters must feel on those little wheels. I finally made it back to the gym and spent some time with the elliptical trainer (72/200). If it weren’t for the fact that it removes layers of fat from my ass it would be such a ridiculous waste of time. Frankly, it probably is even with the physical benefits, but I am too *me* to do something else. So, I am sticking with it.

It sort of makes a nice metaphor for my life, though. I have spent the past 10 (12?) years of my life running to nowhere. Sure, I have given birth and partially raised two children, completed all but 20 hours of my degree, read books, prayed, worked on my own emotional health, and stuff along those lines. But, I have also spent an enormous amount of time and energy trying to stay connected to someone who just doesn’t get it – in order to be a healthy couple, you have to work on being healthy individuals. One person can’t make it all work out for the other.

So, yeah, I am pretty sad about the fact that we are breaking apart. And I have spent plenty of nights wondering if I could have done anything else/differently/better to have made everything work out. But, I can’t help but hope that this divorce will be my chance to make my life into something more than it has been. To this point, I have been defined by my relationships to other people – and obviously I will still be a mom, sister, friend, daughter – but I am looking forward to getting to know who I am – authentically, without the pressures to fit into someone else’s picture of who I should be. This is probably the ultimate MegaChallenge. It somehow feels easier and safer to perform an assigned role than to branch out and try something new – however poorly the assigned role actually fits.

So, here’s to getting off of the hamster wheel and discovering my own path. But I am sticking with the elliptical trainer at the gym – for now – I can only manage one major life change at a time.

Still Here…

But in a disjointed, out-of-body sort of way. Lots going on emotionally that I just can’t put into words.

Nothing much going on in the health and fitness department – though I did walk a couple of times this week (70 and 71/200). Fall weather is my favorite – so I will probably do more walking than gymming until it turns cold.

Someone wrote that getting a divorce was like ripping your veins out. I have never done the latter – but I would tend to agree. Of course, there is a part of me that is looking forward to life without my wasband. Right now that life seems really far away.

I am really craving a sleeve of Ore0s. Of course, I am using all my powers of resistance to avoid any such purchase – but don’t think that the thought hasn’t plagued me quite a bit. I don’t want to lose track of my goal: a healthy, happy Gina. Ore0s aren’t in that picture. Really. Not even one sleeve.

Creme Brulée… well, that’s a completely different discussion.

For Those Keeping Score at Home…

I have taken a day off from my pound-a-day loss trend. The scale said the same thing today as it did yesterday: 152.5. How odd that it is somehow a relief to not lose weight for a day. Yeah, I am the same woman who was bitching endlessly about being stuck at 159. What can I say? I am fickle that way.

Anyone want to place bets on how long it takes me to panic that I am not dropping weight?

Whodda Thunk…

That divorce would the be secret to rapid weight loss? Okay, maybe it isn’t. Maybe I am finally letting go of those pounds my body was holding on to during the stuck-at-159 stretch. Regardless, I have dropped 3 pounds this week and can’t claim to have exercised other than taking a long walk (69/200) yesterday.

As this morning’s scale visit revealed a 152.5, it is time to move the car, again.

I feel like I am driving without brakes. Great if you are trying to move a little graphic ticker car representing your weight loss. Bad if you are trying to coast through the mountains of doubt that come with a major life change.

153.5…

Now the weight is flying off and I am really at a loss to explain it. But I will happily take it. I have less than 5 pounds to go to reach goal weight. Let’s see where weighing 153.5 pounds puts the car.

In other news, I am poised to lose 180 pounds in one fell swoop. It looks like I have added a new wrinkle to the MegaChallenge: being a healthy single mom. I am terrified and relieved and sad and nervous and hopeful and a little nostalgic. Sigh.

Popping In…

I feel like I am neglecting the real purpose of this blog – doing the 200 workouts – but I really haven’t been getting to the gym at all. I am losing weight, though. Go figure. I saw 154 and 154.5 on the scales this morning. Just to be on the safe side I will count the higher number for now. Let’s see what that does to the car…

I am pretty excited about the 22.8 BMI. It seems somewhat surreal to be so close to my goal. Don’t pinch me, though. I am a bit of a wimp when it comes to pain.

My life is doing its typical messy explosion thing. Breathing seems to be the only thing I am able to accomplish with any regularity. Ever have one of those days (years)?

Later That Same Day…

Yeah, I like to get on the scale. Today my double checking actually paid off. Yes. There is a weight update. 155.5 lbs. Don’t hate me because I am skinny. Just concentrate on the car…

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