Gina Lynette — Page 9

Gina’s Reading: Louder Than Words: A Mother’s Journey in Healing Autism

August 3, 2011 By Gina Lynette 2 Comments

I so appreciate Ms McCarthy’s offering her experiences in this format. She is an articulate reporter of the reality of folks who are living with a kid who has autism. In Louder than Words: A Mother’s Journey in Healing Autism, Jenny McCarthy has opened up her world–often a painful one–for our scrutiny in hopes of helping other parents.

However, as a mom with two kiddos with diagnoses on the autism spectrum, I struggle somewhat with the “pull them through the window at any cost” theme of this book. It is tough for any parent to find that balance between acceptance of your child’s abilities and desire to help them achieve more than they currently are. It is nearly impossible to walk that line when your kids have a diagnosis.

Along with the diagnosis comes a cadre of professionals, pseudo-professionals, and well-meaning passersby who will offer you free and high-paid advice, threats, and guilt trips regarding the rearing of your child. Do too much and you are a “cure-bie” who is in denial that your child will always be this way. Do too little and you are neglecting your child and missing the window. I suppose I’m looking for voices that find that middle space. I didn’t hear that balance in Jenny’s book.

Maybe I’m the one who needs a kick in the pants to do more for my kids. I’m certainly not claiming to be the perfect mom. I am pretty invested in my kids, though, and truly want them to be more than a fix-er-upper project. They will likely always have autism, so there’s a large part of me that is looking for delight in that reality — yes, delight — and not more angst about the diagnostic reality.

So, would I recommend this book? Sure. It is an honest, heartfelt look at one mom’s journey through diagnosis and early treatment for her son’s autism. It is a quick read and worth picking up. Is it the only–or even one of the first 10 books about autism I would recommend? Nope. Karyn Seroussi’s book was equally honest with loads more info to help you chart your course–whether that course includes pulling your kid out a window or just sitting along side them as they do their own thing.

In short, Ms McCarthy dearly loves her son. She has a strong desire to help other folks similarly situated. It was a good read and food for thought. I’m glad I added it to my shelf.

Filed Under: Gina's Reading, Happy and Included Tagged With: Autism, Fiction, Jenny McCarthy, Louder Than Words, Wordy Wednesday

Coaching Through Transition: Part VII: Ethics

August 2, 2011 By Gina Lynette 1 Comment

Over the course of several Tuesdays — Transition Tuesdays — I’m sharing one area of my practice that thrills me more than just about anything — coaching individuals with disabilities and their families as they transition from one life stage to another. Please note that while I’ll be describing a coaching scenario that is very similar to several families that I’ve worked with, it is an amalgamation of those conversations and is not based on any one family.

In Part I, I introduced you to Jon, Kate, and Dan and wrote a little about my approach to coaching families through the transition planning necessary to move students with disabilities from high school into an interdependent, adult life.

In Part II, I shared more about my role in working with Jon, Kate and Dan. I also talked some about what it means to be “humanistic” in coaching.

In Part III, I outlined the process and the steps I’m using to walk Jon and his parents through his transition. These steps form the structure for just about any coaching relationship.

In Part IV, we looked at the person-centered assessments I use during the Data Gathering portion of coaching a family through transition.

In Part V, we took a closer look at the PATH tool and discussed how delicious pie-in-the-sky dreaming can lead to some pretty delightful real-world results.

In Part VI, I shared a bit about coaching a family after they have identified their goals, including holding folks accountable, pooling needed resources and adjusting the plan as we go along.

Today we’re discussing a little about the ethical and multicultural considerations of coaching families through transitions. Honestly, this could be a whole series in and of itself, but I’m going to try to keep it brief.

Ethical Considerations

In working with individuals with disabilities, there must, must, must be a special emphasis on ethics. This portion of our population has traditionally been treated as less than human – ignored, institutionalized, abused and yes, even killed, often with little outrage from the rest of society. I approach my relationships with these individuals from a place of intense respect for their right to a self-determined life.

Balancing their right to choose situations that make them happy with their need for safety, health, and community inclusion is a delicate process. Regardless of the convoluting factors in the process, I, like any ethical practitioner, must hold the client’s well being in high regard, must practice from an informed and ethical standard, and ought to be very clear about what I am and am not promising through the process.

It is exciting and fascinating to be on the cutting edge of a new profession – but it also puts me, as a coach, in a risky position. As such, it is critical that anyone who coaches – however they choose to define it and wherever they acquire their credentials – keeps abreast of the latest developments in the field.

To quote the textbook:

Informed practitioners can draw on relevant academic literature to design and implement evidence-based interventions with their own clients and to evaluate client progress while adhering to ethical practice. — Stober and Grant

To get right down to it, I take ethics pretty seriously. I’ve taken graduate courses in Ethics, subscribe to both the APA (American Psychological Association) and ICF (International Coaching Federation) ethical guidelines, and practice under the supervision of a licensed psychologist. I never want a family to feel like we are in over our heads, and will quickly refer them for therapeutic support if it seems like that is what they need.

Back to Basics

I’ve mentioned Rogerian theory before. I consider myself a humanistic coach as Rogers might have defined such. A very basic tenet of humanistic work is the essential necessity of maintaining unconditional positive regard.

In my work with Jon, maintaining unconditional positive regard is paramount to his successful transition into adulthood. If I believe the case files and other disability-based assumptions about him, I will have incredibly low expectations for him, tend to talk him out of situations that put him at risk, attempt to steer him away from opportunities that seem above his skill level, and defer to his parents when there is a conflict. This would be a horrible disservice to Jon.

Rather than defaulting to these behaviors when the situation becomes complex, I go back to this ideal:

Because I care about you, I can permit you to be autonomous and independent of my evaluations and restrictions. You are a separate person with your own feelings and opinions regarding what is right or wrong. The fact that I care for you does not mean that I must guide you in making choices, but that I can allow you to be yourself and to decide what is best for you. – Jess and Gregory Feist

It isn’t always easy to maintain this neutrality when I’m working with someone with a diagnosis that may make it difficult for them to make an informed choice. The whole picture becomes even more convoluted when you take into account that individuals with disabilities are often infantilized in just about every aspect of their lives. They need support from people for some things so they end up losing autonomy in everything. The incongruence in their experience of self and other’s expectations of them also muddies the water. How do you form a healthy self concept when people discuss “what’s wrong” with you so openly and so rarely highlight what’s right?

When I strip it all back to Roger’s ideals, it absolutely simplifies my role as a coach. I care, but I don’t decide. That’s Jon’s role, and, when appropriate, his parents, Kate and Dan, and their support system can help him make those choices.

Multicultural Considerations

Whether you want to consider multicultural factors or not – and regardless of the coach’s or client’s personal cultural heritage – it’s still there.

You must accept the paradox that it is critical to consider race to get to the point where race does not matter. – Stewart Cooper

The best practice is to find a way to bring the issue up and address it from the beginning. Once I’ve broached the topic and we come to an understanding that it matters when it matters, but that race and culture aren’t the only factors in how our coaching work will go, I ask permission to bring it up when it seems relevant and encourage my clients to do the same.

The Disability Culture

In coaching individuals with disabilities, there is another culture at play beyond their ethnic or religious backgrounds. The culture of disability is a pervasive pressure on these individuals. From the moment of diagnosis, they’ve been told who they are and what they are able and, more often, not able to do by professionals who may know little about them. They’re often moved into segregated settings in school and live on the margins of their communities.

The goal of my practice is to reverse some of this damage and even highlight where a perceived disability is actually an asset. By inviting members of the broader community – students at their school, their pastor, the mayor, the fire chief – to participate in their PATH, I semi-subversively create interest in this individual as a fellow human.

The Payoff

Through our work, Jon now has allies who are not mired in the jargon of disability; he is seen as a competent member of his community. The varsity coach invites him to manage the team. The pastor asks him to speak to the congregation. Other students seek him out as a friend, not as a project. The fire chief offers him a job at one of the stations.

In short, Jon has the opportunity, as Tom Pomerantz would say, “to boldly go where everyone else has gone before.”

For folks who like to know more, here are the references from this series:

Brouwer, P. J. (1964). The power to see ourselves. Harvard Business Review, 42(6), 156-165.

Cooper, S., Wilson-Stark, K., Peterson, D. B., O’Roark, A. M., & Pennington, G. (2008). Consulting competently in multicultural contexts. Consulting Psychology Journal: Practice and Research, 60(2), 186-202.

Fiest, J. & Fiest, G. J. (2009). Theories of personality (7th Ed.). New York: McGraw Hill.

Helen Sanderson and Associates. (2007). Person centred thinking. Liberty, Missouri: HSA, USA.

Pearpoint, J., O’Brien, J., & Forest, M. (1993). PATH: Planning possible positive futures. Inclusion Press: Toronto.

Peterson, D. (1996). Executive coaching at work: The art of one-on-one change. Consulting Psychology Journal: Practice and Research, 48(2), 78-86.

Stern, L. (2004). Executive Coaching: A Working Definition. Consulting Psychology Journal: Practice and Research, 56(3), 154-162.

Stober, D. R. & Grant, A. M. (eds.) (2006). Evidence based coaching handbook: Putting the best practices to work for your clients. Hoboken, NJ: John Wiley & Sons, Inc.

Filed Under: Happy and Included Tagged With: Coaching, individuals with disabilities, path tool, Transition, transition planning, Transition Tuesday

A Long Drive for a Local Author

July 29, 2011 By Gina Lynette 2 Comments

I live in Nashville, TN. Coincidentally, so does Ann Patchett. As a matter of fact, she’s in the process of opening an independent bookstore in the area. So, it made me giggle just a little when I realized that I’d driven 1300 miles this week to my favorite little bookstore in Great Barrington, MA only to buy a book from a local-to-me author.

I did balance it out with a copy of Alphabet Juice by the Berkshires’ own Roy Blount Jr. But I’m thinking the only way I can really even the score is to head back to Nashville and race into Ann’s store the moment it opens for a copy of Moby Dick.

On third thought, I bought my Nathaniel Hawthorne and Edith Wharton novels in Tennessee. While I’m pretty neutral on The Scarlett Letter and honestly can’t recall much about Mr Hawthorne’s other efforts, reading Ethan Frome and not extending my grudge against Ms Wharton to all of Massachussetts was an act of generosity unsurpassed in my lifetime. (I’m still in contact with my high school English teacher, and my consistent expression to her of how much I loathe that story is entering into its third decade.)

Perhaps I should take a page from Berkshire history as inspiration and start my own novel while I’m in these hills.

Hmmmm…

But then again, when would I manage to find time to read the dozen or so books I added to my already-toppling pile of to-be-reads at home?

Such dilemmas. Good thing I have another 1300 miles to get it all sorted out.

Filed Under: Blissification, Gina's Reading Tagged With: ann patchett, bookloft, edith wharton novels, ethan frome, Great Barrington, roy blount jr

Gina’s Reading: Broken for You

July 29, 2011 By Gina Lynette Leave a Comment

I picked up a copy of Kallos’ debut novel on the dual recommendation of Ev at the Bookloft in Great Barrington, MA and Sue Monk Kidd’s endorsement on the cover. This may seem insignificant, but without those two women promising I would be glad I’d read this, I wouldn’t have made it through the first half. Frankly, some of the situations and literary tactics were downright silly.

Starting with Part II, Kallos found her literary legs. I was finally interested in the characters–perhaps because she introduces a couple of folks who were believable–and the story started to make more sense. She also found her hook and finally gave you the piece of information that helped explain quite a bit that was out-of-place in the first half of her novel.

Where Kallos finally made it worth reading the 360 pages was in her weaving the global hurt of the Holocaust with the private hurts of her individual characters and giving a space for cathartic exploration of roads to healing. Not unlike the significance of the art created by her characters being more about the materials than the product–Kallos’ work gains its value, not from the creation of a well-executed novel, but from her exploration of themes that resonate with a searching reader.

Of course, it always helps to have a personal connection to the subject matter in a book. As luck(?) would have it, I’m sitting in my in-laws’ home in the Berkshires surrounded by my Jewish father-in-law’s gorgeous found-object collages. As I prepared to head out to the Bookloft this afternoon for a stack of new recommendations from Ev, this book called back to me.

I’ll leave the analogies for you to discover, but will be thinking lots about histories and family of origin and chosen family and finding a way to make something beautiful out of the tatters of another chapter.

Ned Andrew's father, Donald Solomon, made hundreds of these collages from every type of found object.

Filed Under: Gina's Reading, Pointing Forward Tagged With: Barrington, bookloft, caption, debut novel, Donald Solomon, half, Reading, recommendation, s endorsement, sue monk kidd

Coaching Through Transition: Part VI : The Coaching

July 26, 2011 By Gina Lynette 2 Comments

In Part II, I shared more about my role in working with Jon, Kate and Dan. I also talked some about what it means to be “humanistic” in coaching.

In Part III, I outlined the process and the steps I’m using to walk Jon and his parents through his transition. These steps form the structure for just about any coaching relationship.

In Part IV, we looked at the person-centered assessments I use during the Data Gathering portion of coaching a family through transition.

In Part V, we took a closer look at the PATH tool and discussed how delicious pie-in-the-sky dreaming can lead to some pretty delightful real-world results.

Today we’ll take a look at what happens after the PATH. As you may recall from Part III, now that we have some specific goals in place, the actual coaching begins!

Positive and Possible

Whether I use a PATH or some other method of goal setting and action planning with an individual and their circle, the reality is that pretty paper is truly only that. Pretty paper. The real work comes in creating a structure of implementation that is realistic and pointed forward. So, once the PATH or other planning process is completed, it is critical to take the lists of goals, action steps, and enrolled individuals willing to work toward those ends and put them into a format that lends itself to follow through.

Knowing this, I’ll work with Jon, Kate and Dan to put those plans into a grid that will keep everyone accountable to their promises. I’ll also make sure that whatever our “deliverables” are from the planning sessions are readily identifiable to Jon as his own. Sometimes that means including pictures or graphics in the documents. Sometimes it is printing it all on his favorite color of paper with his picture on the cover. The end result should be a set of documents that are Jon and family friendly, very usable, and which includes room for edits, annotations, and changes in the plan.

Coaching and Coordination

If the PATH identified needed resources or referrals – typically this involves financial planning, estate planning, accessing service systems offered through state and federal agencies, researching post-secondary options, locating support groups and leisure activity options, and connecting to the larger community – I will work with the family to locate those supports. It isn’t unusual for the family to collaborate with me over the course of several years – at times on a weekly basis, but typically transitioning to a quarterly conversation as needed for continued momentum and check-ins.

My role involves following up on promises, finding resources, encouraging forward momentum, and regularly checking the plan for applicability. In some cases, I’ve found it’s helpful to gather the circle together on a regular basis to check progress and update goals. In a long-term transition plan, such as Jon’s, it may even be necessary to facilitate a second PATH as he achieves his goals and as his interests continue to develop and change.

Removing the Bricks

The real payoff is when Jon takes a central role in directing the course of his own life. After years of waiting to be told by Kate and his teachers where to be and when to be there, he’s learning that he gets a real say in what he likes and how he wants his day to go. Kate is starting to relax a bit about having to be the one who knows all of the answers to questions about Jon. Now, Jon and Dan, along with other members of their circle, take on many of the tasks that Kate used to spend nights and weekends trying to stay ahead of. She expresses her relief most succinctly when she thanks me for “removing the bricks from her back.” I’m touched that she sees it this way, but the truth is that I didn’t actually remove anything; I just gave her permission to share the load.

Of course Jon sees it another way. “I like to be in charge and ask people for help. It’s better when they help me do stuff on my list because then we all get to be happy about it.”

In Part VII I’ll share a little about the ethical and multicultural considerations of coaching families through transitions.

For folks who like to know more, here are the references from this series:

Brouwer, P. J. (1964). The power to see ourselves. Harvard Business Review, 42(6), 156-165.

Helen Sanderson and Associates. (2007). Person centred thinking. Liberty, Missouri: HSA, USA.

Pearpoint, J., O’Brien, J., & Forest, M. (1993). PATH: Planning possible positive futures. Inclusion Press: Toronto.

Peterson, D. (1996). Executive coaching at work: The art of one-on-one change. Consulting Psychology Journal: Practice and Research, 48(2), 78-86.

Stern, L. (2004). Executive Coaching: A Working Definition. Consulting Psychology Journal: Practice and Research, 56(3), 154-162.

Stober, D. R. & Grant, A. M. (eds.) (2006). Evidence based coaching handbook: Putting the best practices to work for your clients. Hoboken, NJ: John Wiley & Sons, Inc.

Filed Under: Happy and Included, Pointing Forward Tagged With: circle, Coaching, delicious pie, enrolled individuals, paper, PATH, path tool, pretty paper, process, transition planning

The Last Bookstore in Brentwood

July 22, 2011 By Gina Lynette 3 Comments

I didn’t realize how sad Borders’ closing would make me until I was actually standing in the last bookstore in Brentwood on its last day of regular business.I’d heard the rumblings of what was coming and even walked into (and quickly out of) one of the other local Borders’ liquidation sales last year. We all kinda knew it was coming.

Truth be told Borders wasn’t even my favorite of the big box book stores. I did like the ability to look up the available stock on the computers scattered about. I appreciated that I could search several locations to find the item I wanted today and run there to pick it up. I certainly enjoyed those times when I was able to grab a title at 40% off of its cover price.

But there were the frustrations, too. Like the 6 stores that said they had the $140 Genesis box set in stock when I checked online, later learned to call and verify, only to be disappointed after 6 different trips. I actually scored one on my 7th attempt, but I never really forgave them. The way they had tons of books and then didn’t and then had some books and media and then didn’t and then filled large portions of the store with massive displays of calendars and board games confused me and made a store I was in on a weekly basis feel like a strange land.

I hadn’t even planned to go back to Borders until I got into a conversation on Twitter about their imminent demise and it dawned on me that I had a gift certificate or two hanging around here. I went to the website and made a few half-hearted attempts to find something that I wanted. The frustrating thing was that the total for whatever I chose was more after taxes and shipping minus my gift cards than I could get it on Amazon.

So, I looked at eBooks. Which, quite frankly, felt like heresy given the circumstances. I abandoned that search after a couple of clicks and sat with my thoughts for a bit. It wasn’t worth making a special trip — it’s about a 15 minute drive to our Borders store — with gas at nearly $4 a gallon. Maybe it was actually cheaper to just cut the cards up.

As luck/providence would have it, my family was planning to eat out this evening. The restaurant the kids chose was a couple of blocks from the closing bookstore. I mentioned that I wanted to go, expecting groans. In a rare moment of family consensus, everyone in the car wanted to stop, too.

And so there I was. Standing in the middle of a store where I’ve spent about half my life and a billion dollars, knowing that tomorrow it was going to be reduced to a garage sale, and fully aware that once it’s gone, we no longer have a bookstore in our town, I couldn’t find a book to purchase.

I wandered around and around the self help shelves, the psychology section, perused the cookbooks, lingered over the fiction — paused at the Ann Patchett novel that Ev from the Bookloft recommended to me just today — and back around again. I did my little Catholic-holdover, magic-conjuring mantra, “Hail Mary, full of grace, lead me to the perfect place.” I don’t know whether it’s Mary doing the magic or my just filling my head with a sing song so that I stop thinking so much and allow my intuition some space. Regardless, it never fails to land me on just the right book. But even this fail-safe routine wasn’t doing the trick.

Then we ran into The Reverend Doctor Dan Rosemurgy and the stars aligned. Dan is a long-time friend and the man who married Ned Andrew and I in the Glendale Labyrinth. Dan reads a lot. He’s one of us. He was holding only two books because he’d just been in the day before to buy an entire stack of them. And as we stood in the middle of this space, on its last day, a few doors down from where we’d met with this man to plan our wedding, I smiled.

I smiled because the last thing I would buy at this bookstore wasn’t going to be the last book or even a book at all. It was going to be a beginning. I headed back to my very familiar self-help shelves and picked up the box of SARK’s Creative Dream Game cards. Ned rounded up the kids and headed toward the car as I stood in line to pay for my last purchase. I listened as the folks said their goodbyes to the store employees and their bookstore. I wondered if I shouldn’t go back around one more time. I thought about the endless list of book titles I’d bought in this place.

I spotted a pack of my favorite turquoise, pink, and purple pens and added it to my purchase and chatted with the sales clerk about his future. Of course he got my PollyAnna pep talk — that I hoped that he would find a soft place to land, that transitions are always hardest when we don’t choose them, but that sometimes the ones we need to make most end up being made for us — and he genuinely thanked me for my optimism.

We took our dream cards to dinner and spent the next two hours in the middle of a crowded restaurant having the most incredible conversation about dreams and fears and celebrations and grudges and mentors and inner critics and willingness and inner allies. The kids all took the questions seriously and had amazing insights into their own journeys. I sat in awe of these little people and this family that Ned Andrew and I have managed to cobble together. Nurturing peace and ease within my family has been on my Magnetism Map for nearly a decade and I was watching exactly that unfolding in front of me.

So, yeah, I’m a little sad that Borders is gone. But there’s a little spark of hope, too. Not just from the cards or my cool pens, but because there’s word around town that Ann Patchett is looking to open up a little bookstore in ~~Belle Meade~~ Green Hills. Maybe this massive closing of big box bookstores will make room for what we bibliophiles really want and what I talked about when I shared my love of the Bookloft in Massachusetts.

It isn’t about having every title known to man. I can get that delivered to my door from Amazon quicker than I’d ever make it to an actual bookstore. I like going into a bookstore, talking with folks I’ve enjoyed knowing for years — folks who love books — and being certain that I’m going to walk out with a book or two that I’ll absolutely love.

Maybe bigger, better, faster isn’t always the next best thing. Here’s to smaller, sweeter, and calmer. I’d, honestly, pay full price for that.

Filed Under: Featured, Gina's Reading Tagged With: ann patchett, Bookstore, borders store, Family, Nashville, Parnassus, SARK, store, twitter

Gina’s Reading: 5: Where Will You Be Five Years from Today?

July 20, 2011 By Gina Lynette Leave a Comment

I am a chart-the-course junkie, so Dan Zadra’s book is right up my alley. 5: Where Will You Be Five Years from Today is very similar in nature to other coaching-by-book volumes (see: Martha Beck and Stephen Covey) in that it asks you to identify those things that are important to you and points you in the direction of achieving them.

The one thing going for this version of that well-known exercise is that it is presented workbook style in about 60 colorful, big-print pages. If you are not one to slog though theory and background, and just like to get to the point and get moving, this might be the format for you.

The downside of many self-coaching books is the lack of accountability to another person. No matter how gorgeous and worth-while the exercises, many people do better with someone to hold them to their promises. Zadra attempts to overcome this inertia by creating a volume that is visually pleasing as well as chock-full of encouragement in small bites.

Zadra’s graphically-exciting book may also be a useful volume for coaches and therapists to share with clients as “homework” as they go through the process of looking at Values, Mission Statement, Life Balance, Goal Setting, and Stretching.

As someone who enjoys the theory behind the go-get-em, this wouldn’t be my only goal-setting book on the shelf. But for folks who love to collect them or who would like a straight-forward workbook for inking their visions, this work is worth a look.

Filed Under: Blissification, Gina's Reading, Pointing Forward Tagged With: book volumes, Dan Zadra, direction, exercise, junkie, martha beck, Reading, right up my alley, stephen covey, theory

Thinking About “Happiness, Joy and Big Fat Klout Scores”

July 19, 2011 By Gina Lynette 2 Comments

Mark Schaefer is one of my favorite online colleagues. We’re from the same town and run in the same e-circles, but have never actually managed to be in the same room at the same time. At any rate, his is one of the 3 or 4 blogs I try to catch up on each week. It’s a rare day that what he’s thinking (and writing about) doesn’t inspire some more thinking (and writing) by me.

This morning was no different.

Mark shared some thoughts about, well, happiness, joy, and big fat Klout scores. I’d love you to go read the whole post, but the essence was this:

One of the things I discovered is that there is a difference between happiness and joy. You can be happy about a hamburger. You can be happy about a song. Happiness is temporary. Joy is peace.

Living in a joyful way is a challenge but one key idea is staying focused on the reason for your journey. If you KNOW why you are on your path, then you also have internal guideposts to lead the way. Stay focused on WHY you’re doing something.

But if your life is guided by external guideposts like Twitter followers, blog rankings … and even money … you might experience happiness but you will never experience joy because you will never achieve your goal. There will always be more, more, more to acquire. You won’t experience joy in the journey.

I was inspired to ~~hijack~~ comment on Mark’s post and he responded that my comments made a good blog post all on their own. I kind of chuckled — it was a long comment — but then I thought, heck, maybe I should include my thoughts here.

What I said:

Nicely done, Mark.

Your thoughts send my thoughts in about 14 directions. The inner perfectionist in me wants me to go create a gorgeously written comment. The joyful Pollyanna I’ve chosen to cultivate says, “Just say it.” So here goes…

(1) The anecdote about the guy who is so focused on a Klout score that he’s forgotten to live life made me sad. It reminded me of the guy I knew who spent his entire summer in front of Joust so that no one could bump him from the leaderboard. At the 7-11. In College Station, TX. What a way to spend a summer.

(2) Then I got a little nauseous about the guy cheating on foursquare. It reminds me of my son. He’s all about the cheat codes. Why solve a puzzle if you can “mod in the solution”? It’s baffling behavior to me. What is an “accomplishment” worth if you didn’t actually accomplish it?

(3) Then I did a little whoop yell of joy over your choice to keep your blog spam free. While I completely understand the desire (and need!) to monetize our online realities, I like ads to look like ads, endorsements to look like endorsements, and articles to actually be articles. Those lines feel like integrity to me. Living with integrity — and surrounding myself with folks who do — brings me joy.

(4) It’s true what that say about joy v happiness. Flourishing is all about getting in touch with our authentic inner self, identifying the gifts we bring, and following that internal path. Sometimes it feels awkward to change our focus that way, but, as you’ve so beautifully said, the reward is pretty wonderful.

Mark’s post and my thinking about Mark’s post has colored my whole day.

I’m wondering how I help my son see the benefit of doing some stuff the hard way. I don’t mean that it’s never okay to take a short cut or get help with something. I do know that those peak experiences we seem to want in our lives rarely come without some self-satisfying effort in pursuit of them.

I’m reevaluating my online presence and how I spend my energy here. It’s not a new thing for me, but I think Mark makes a good point when he underlines that it really is something you have to keep refocusing your attention on.

I’m integrating my reaction to his turning down a pile of cash for his endorsements within his posts into how I do business. It isn’t a new reaction, but it demonstrates to me what I’ve known for years — I want people to choose to spend time with me because it is good for them, I bring them joy, I inspire them, and not because I’ve talked them into it through some magic of slick marketing.

Yep, I’m doing a whole lot of thinking. And the really cool thing is that I’m pretty delighted with where I am and how I’m doing with all of this stuff. Of course I have tweaking to do! I’m the last to declare that I’ve arrived at peak perfection. But, I do think I’m solidly on my journey and am so very grateful for those thoughtful colleagues who are along for the ride.

Filed Under: Blissification, Featured, Pointing Forward Tagged With: e circles, guideposts, guy, Journey, joy, joy in the journey, mark schaefer, pollyanna

Coaching through Transition: Part V

July 19, 2011 By Gina Lynette 2 Comments

In Part II, I shared more about my role in working with Jon, Kate and Dan. I also talked some about what it means to be “humanistic” in coaching.

In Part III, I outlined the process and the steps I’m using to walk Jon and his parents through his transition. These steps form the structure for just about any coaching relationship.

In Part IV, we looked at the person-centered assessments I use during the Data Gathering portion of coaching a family through transition.

Today, we’re taking a closer look at the PATH tool and discuss how delicious pie-in-the-sky dreaming can lead to some pretty delightful real-world results.

Co-Creating Goals

Whether working with an individual, an organization or a family in transition, the role of a coach is similar. However the style may vary.

In more personal coaching, the aim is often to help clients flesh out their vision of their ideal existence and then develop and enact steps toward that ideal. But it is not up to the coach to direct the content of that ideal; rather, the coach is there to help the client fully describe it and design steps to take them toward it.

–Stober & Grant

One person-centered tool for creating the space for these conversations is the PATH (Planning Alternative Tomorrows with Hope) tool designed by Marsha Forest, Jack Pearpoint, and John O’Brien. The PATH tool was originally used to help folks move from institutional life to community life – not always a move supported by the paperwork and professionals and funding that typically follow this population.

The PATH process involves two extensively-trained individuals graphically facilitating a group through a four-hour conversation encompassing what strategic planners would recognize as a team-based visioning and action-planning session. It also involves a massive sheet of paper (often 4 feet high and nearly 15 feet long!) and colorful markers (I prefer the “smelly” ones). Everyone who gathers is involved in the conversation by one facilitator while a second facilitator draws, scribes, and doodles a record of the discussion billboard style.

I also try to encourage folks to host a meal or snack break in the middle. We all like to eat!

The PATH conversation begins with a vision or the North Star image of what life can look like in a no-holds-barred dream existence. Then the facilitators bring the group back into a “positive and possible” vision of the future. Successive steps involve identifying the realities of now, setting goals for a year down the road, enrolling participants in the next steps and assigning follow up tasks. At each stage the facilitators check in with the group and most especially with the individual in question – in our scenario, Jon – in order to identify how they are feeling, what needs to be adjusted, and that the ideas being captured accurately reflect the goals and hopes of Jon and his circle.

This type of facilitated conversation is steeped in positive psychology. Looking at desired outcomes with “no holds barred” and working back into a “positive and possible” set of stretch goals allow the circle to dream with one foot in reality. Jon and his parents will invite the people who care about Jon – his teachers, friends, church members, pastor, grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles – to gather for the PATH. Based on the information that has been gathered through the private sessions with Jon and his parents I have some idea of where the family would like to focus their attention – namely Jon’s transition from high school into adulthood – and the kinds of things that help Jon have good days. During the PATH, I will facilitate the group’s establishing a clear vision of where Jon will be in 5 years – the anticipated length of this transition process – and what it will take to get him there.

Based on our earlier conversations, I anticipate Kate’s hesitation on Jon’s bigger dreams – moving out on his own and getting a job – while recognizing that the dynamics of creating a circle of support will gently shift Kate’s role from that of mother and protector to that of ally and supporter. I also anticipate some hesitation from Dan in joining into the conversation. The typical – though not universal – scenario is that Kate has taken on the default role of advocating for Jon while Dan watches from the sidelines.

The trick to changing this dynamic is to put the focus back on Jon. In similar situations, individuals have declared their mom as their “ex-mom who is my friend” or have thwarted their mom’s intention to have them live in the same home forever by suggesting that they, “live a polite distance away” and have drawn their dad into the conversation by declaring that they want to spend time “doing swimming with Dad because he lets me go deep.” Emboldened by the attention and support of the circle, seeing their words appear on the large paper, and given the space to express what they really want, individuals with disabilities have an amazing ability to cut to what really matters to them and to get folks on board.

My job is to facilitate the pace of the conversation, to prevent any one individual from taking over or becoming the Voice of No, and to maintain a space of respect and positive regard. The whole process requires mindfulness and self-control on the part of the coach. I have strong beliefs regarding the rights of my clients, but must maintain a neutral stance as I guide the circle to their own conclusions.

At the end of the PATH process, we will have a massive 10-15’ long wall chart outlining Jon and his circle’s dream for him, a possible and positive vision of where he will be in 5 years, a snapshot of his current reality, a list of the folks who are willing to enroll in helping him achieve his goals, a set of concrete next steps for getting the whole plan moving forward, and consensus on what will keep this group strong and focused on supporting Jon along the way.

In Part VI we’ll take a look at what happens after the PATH. As you may recall from Part III, now that we have some specific goals in place, the actual coaching begins!

For folks who like to know more, here are the references from this series:

Brouwer, P. J. (1964). The power to see ourselves. Harvard Business Review, 42(6), 156-165.

Helen Sanderson and Associates. (2007). Person centred thinking. Liberty, Missouri: HSA, USA.

Pearpoint, J., O’Brien, J., & Forest, M. (1993). PATH: Planning possible positive futures. Inclusion Press: Toronto.

Peterson, D. (1996). Executive coaching at work: The art of one-on-one change. Consulting Psychology Journal: Practice and Research, 48(2), 78-86.

Stern, L. (2004). Executive Coaching: A Working Definition. Consulting Psychology Journal: Practice and Research, 56(3), 154-162.

Stober, D. R. & Grant, A. M. (eds.) (2006). Evidence based coaching handbook: Putting the best practices to work for your clients. Hoboken, NJ: John Wiley & Sons, Inc.

Filed Under: Happy and Included, Pointing Forward Tagged With: coach, Coaching, delicious pie, family in transition, PATH, path tool, taking a closer look, tool, transition planning, vision

Values: Generosity aka Lizzy’s Launch Update

July 18, 2011 By Gina Lynette Leave a Comment

Most of the shots from the test drive are a blur...

When I put “generosity” in my list of values it was really about my desire to be generous with my time and talents and creativity and love and joy. I like giving. It feels good and it gives me a boost and the folks around me seem to like it, too.

So, it never really occurred to me that the lesson would be around accepting generosity. I mean, sure, I appreciate it when someone thinks of me or sends me a hello on my birthday or treats me to lunch. I’m always a little uncomfortable with it, though. If I dig down deep I know it’s because I’ve been the recipient of lots of “gifts” with ropes attached. So, I don’t trust generosity. Not really.

And then something breathtaking happened.

We decided to purchase Lizzy a scooter for college. I spent some time thinking of ways to make that happen without having to make the Little Kids go without school clothes. In a move that is completely unlike me, I put up a post about this goal and offered my coaching services, you know, out loud. At the urging of a colleague, I also included a donation button in case folks wanted to chip in.

I clicked “Publish” and then went to lunch with Ned Andrew. When we arrived at the restaurant, there were emails telling us that folks were sending money. What?? Yes. And not just a little money. Over the course of the 2 weeks since I went public with our goal, half the price of the scooter has been gifted to us by incredibly generous friends from around the country.

Wow.

Of course, I’ve sent thank you notes to each of them. But I am just floored by the response to our request.

With half the money in hand, Ned Andrew called today and placed the order for Lizzy’s ride. The company we are buying from is installing that cup holder Lizzy asked for and will ship her new wheels next week. She’ll have a couple of weeks to get really facile at driving it before she’s off to college.

She’s in for the ride of her life.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Your generosity is absolutely overwhelming.

Lizzy & Berns Off to the Races!

Filed Under: Blissification, Happy and Included, Pointing Forward Tagged With: aka, donation button, generous friends, Lizzy, new wheels, ride, school clothes, sending money, values

Gina’s Reading: Louder Than Words: A Mother’s Journey in Healing Autism

Coaching Through Transition: Part VII: Ethics

A Long Drive for a Local Author

Gina’s Reading: Broken for You

Coaching Through Transition: Part VI : The Coaching

The Last Bookstore in Brentwood

Gina’s Reading: 5: Where Will You Be Five Years from Today?

Thinking About “Happiness, Joy and Big Fat Klout Scores”

Coaching through Transition: Part V

Co-Creating Goals

Values: Generosity aka Lizzy’s Launch Update

search

share or save this page

recent posts

archived posts

currently reading

have we met?

my thoughts

your thoughts