Values: Connection

Chuck's Candle

Uncle Chuck's Green Candle

Last week I spent some time plotting out how I would go about making and keeping the commitment to myself to update my site with something new almost every day.

My thinking was something along these lines, “You want to do this and you need a deadline in order to do what you want to do. You manage to announce your every eye blink on Facebook. Surely you can pause long enough to connect with folks in a more meaningful way.”

Thus the plotting. I planned to offer a post on each of my core values on Mondays, a more practical “how to” post on transitions on Tuesdays, a book review on Wednesdays… I even created really neato-skeeto graphics for the Monday Motivation series over the weekend and sorted through my ideas for the one I wanted to write about.

And then I stared at the screen for about an hour.

Because my planned post isn’t what I’m thinking about and it just isn’t very me-like to fake a post. That wouldn’t be authentic. (See, there are those values now!)

What are you thinking about, Gina?

Well, to be quite frank, I’m thinking about my Uncle Chuck, who died about 10 hours ago after being in the hospital for three months in a city far away from his home and his family. I’m thinking about my Aunt and my Cousins and most especially my Mama E who is just starting the journey of grieving the loss of her brother and all of the specific sadnesses and joys they’ll each experience as we move through these days.

I’m thinking about relationships and what makes us fond of one another. How do we determine who gets in and who stays over there? What ties us to someone enough to miss them when they are gone? How is it that you can feel connected to someone you haven’t seen in 20 years while barely taking note of the guy who serves you coffee every day?

One of the things I love most about Ned Andrew is that he connects with people. Not just the people who have letters after their names or hold some major sway in his day. He couldn’t care less whether you have a PhD or M&Ms in your pocket. He learns the names of everyone in his milieu — including the folks at the seafood counter. (Kim at Publix. Al at Kroger.) He greets people on the street. He calls people back. He connects.

I value that connection.

When I was in sales I was accused of taking too long on each customer in spite of leading the team in numbers. “Get ’em in! Get ’em sold! Next!” I suppose they thought if I could sell faster, I could sell even more. I tried to follow the scripts, but not only did it feel awful and awkward and phony, my sales plummeted too. It didn’t work because I’m not comfortable interacting with people that way. I’d rather slow down, ask questions, really listen to the answers, ask another question, call a colleague, research solutions, and actually find a way to help that person get to what they’re hoping to do/be/have. I’d rather treat people as, well, people deserving of my attention and respect and patience as they make their own choices. (Wow. There’s self-determination. Values everywhere.)

Anyway.

Connection.

It is vital to my feeling like a whole, healthy, on purpose human being to create and sustain connections with other people in my life. I’m not interested in the analytics of our digital realities. Of course I love to see trends (I count my workouts!) but I’m not interested in doing integral calculus on my relationships. Because does it really matter how many followers I have? My reach? Clicks? Views? Pings? Trackbacks? if at the end of the day my only ROI is a cool graph showing more of… whatever those things attempt to count?

Honestly, I’d rather have one really amazing conversation with another fascinating individual over the course of months and months. I’d rather be in relationships that are rich enough that that the day after my death someone misses me enough to inspire people they know to pause, light a candle, and think about what matters.

 

 

Happy Quote

New York Closeup

Detail from Map (1961) by Jasper Johns -- MOMA, New York City -- Photo by Gina Lynette

 

Their love is worth the same as your love. Their partnership is worth the same as your partnership. And they are equal in your eyes to you. That’s the driving issue.

— Gov. Andrew M. Cuomo on Marriage Equity

 

The Angel of Death

LightMy best friend was buried on Good Friday of our junior year in high school. She’d been in a horrible crash with her boyfriend on a sunny spring break day. They were heading to the video store to grab a movie. They never made it. Chuck died at the scene. Marcie lived a couple more days. But I knew she was on her way out. I felt it.

Of course, I had no way to know how I knew. I just did. But, having a super-rational side, I brushed away the notion and just chalked it up to the dread of something bad happening turning into the reality of it.

I love her and carry her with me now. Sometimes I’ll catch a whiff of her — in a song or a photograph, or most recently, a silly fill-in questionnaire book we’d shared in 4th grade that fell out of a box I was throwing away — and my heart will stop for a moment. I’m full of the joy of knowing her and the sadness of missing her all at once.

Several years later I had the same feeling. The difference this time was that I didn’t know of anyone who was in peril. I was just banana crackers and trying to do anything I could to shove away the panic. I had an 8-deck game of solitaire going, the TV on, the radio blaring, and was begging my then-mother-in-law for company.

I got the call the next morning. “Granddaddy is very sick. We don’t know if he’ll make it through the day. Come home.” I made the trip from Boca Raton to Knoxville in about 11 hours. I didn’t call home the whole time because I didn’t want to know I was too late. He was Blind and in a coma, so his greeting me with a sweet and strong “Hi Gina!” as I walked into his hospital room was bliss and shock all at once.

I love this man more than any other human on earth. He was my saving grace as a child and my Tuesday date for years as his Parkinson’s and my Lupus stranded us in the living room reading Sam Venable books and laughing about how many dishes of ice cream we could sneak past Grandmother. He was a good guy. A really good guy.

He died as I talked with him — Christmas music playing in the background in spite of it being September — and I knew he was okay. I wore my wedding going-away-dress to give his eulogy and planned a picnic for the twelve who gathered to scatter his ashes in our mountains. It was the saddest and sweetest week of my life.  He still visits me — as birds — from time to time. Yeah, I’d think me nuts, too. But it’s true.

Like the time the Bald Eagle swooped over B and me as we visited the WWII memorial in DC. Grandpa spent The War in India and Grandmother worked at The Pentagon. Grandpa Eagle hung out with us as we read every plaque in the WWII Memorial and then perched in a huge tree for a couple of photographs. When we finally decided to walk on to the Lincoln Memorial, he took off, circled the WWII Memorial twice, and flew over the Reflecting Pool and beyond the Lincoln Memorial out of sight.

The most personal death I’ve lived through was that of my first child. We were happily readying our home for her arrival when I got that feeling again. I shoved it aside as hormones. I went to the doctor to be told everything was fine. I checked and rechecked every twinge and poke. And then the time came when I just couldn’t sit still with the knowing. My wasband took me for a drive and a walk and it happened — I lost her.

Losing a child in pregnancy is the strangest of all deaths. On some level you are the only person on this planet who knows this child. And she’s gone. And you miss her — the her you never got to meet or kiss or comfort — while you know her every heart beat. No one knows what to say to a grieving mother who has lost a child before their birthday. So, they tend to say all the things that only make it harder. How far along were you? (Far enough to love her.) There must have been something wrong with her. (She was perfect.) You can have another. (But I wanted her). So I smile, walk away, and say a little prayer of gratitude that they’ve never had to live through such a thing.

It is a personal, private grief that still catches me off guard when I hear someone say her name  — Sarah Katherine. It happened most recently at a graduation. I’ve burst into tears on playgrounds when seeing girls her age playing. I also have moments of happiness as I imagine her brushing past. My own, personal guardian angel.

It wasn’t until a friend’s father became very ill and landed in the hospital for the final time that I reluctantly gave in to the reality that I, somehow, know when people are preparing to go. Still living in Florida, I happened to be in Knoxville and driving by the hospital when I had a strong urge to call Stephen in LA. He answered and told me where he was — sitting in the building I had just passed. I spent the next week loving Stephen through his Dad’s final illness and the following week supporting him through his Dad’s funeral and memorial and interment. That’s when I was given the somewhat odd nickname, “Angel of Death.” I’ve tried to take it as a compliment.

There have been other deaths that have caught my attention. It isn’t always someone I know, but the feeling that someone is going is never unfounded. I usually get a call asking for my support about the time I’ve made it through my speed dial list trying to figure out who it might be.

So, it was especially heart-rending when my baby sister called me for help this week. I knew, of course, who she was calling about. She wanted answers — Would he live? Why did he have to suffer? What could she do to stop it? Was it wrong to pray for a different outcome?

“I know you’re the Angel of Death. Help me understand this.”

Oh, sweetie, I wish I could. I can make some guesses, but every person who lives on this abundantly gorgeous planet eventually leaves it. The timing seems as personal as any other aspect of our existence — and as universal. It happens when it happens. I tend to believe there is purpose and meaning in this going — even if the ones left don’t have the insight to know what that is.

I’ve been touched by enough people who have made that transition to know that regardless of how well-prepared or surprising their leaving is, they leave behind a need for the ones who love them to make a journey of their own. There are volumes written on grieving, so I won’t repeat that work here. I will say that it is a sacred space.

I’ve also been touched by enough people who have sent me the feeling that they were going before they made their exit to trust that the soul knows. And it prepares. And, somehow, it’s ready.

Even if we aren’t. Even if they are young. Even if we want just one more bowl of ice cream with them. Even if they are loved. Even if they’ve fought hard to live. Even if we light candles and wish it were different.

But that doesn’t stop us from loving and hoping and living.

Until it’s our turn.

Happy Quote

Sundercloud -- Gina Lynette

Sundercloud

If you spend your whole life waiting for the storm, you’ll never enjoy the sunshine.

– Morris West

Champ The Weather Dog or How I Paid $264 for a Deep Breath

Champ in Alabama

Champ

I love my dog.

I know. I know. Lots of people love their dogs. Lots of people love all animals. It isn’t like this sets me apart from anyone. Except that I don’t have a reputation for being a “dog person” because I don’t tend to get all excited when I encounter strange dogs. And that’s because I’ve had some ugly experiences with other folks’ dogs.

Don’t get me wrong… I’m not anti-dog or heartless. I get teary eyed when a friend loses a pet and I’m dismayed by animal cruelty of any kind. I just don’t tend to run up to greet every furbaby that crosses my path.

So, it kind of surprised some folks when I started talking about getting a dog last summer. Call it timing. Call it craziness. I wanted a dog for the first time in about 20 years. I really wanted a dog. So, I called my dear friend, Ona, who has been working in animal rescue for about as long as I’ve been raising kids.

Ona knows my crew. Her advice was to adopt an adult dog. She had a long list of really good reasons — some of them I’d thought of myself. They have a predictable temperament. They are typically housebroken.  They’re usually fixed (critical with overpopulation). But the most compelling reason is that they are harder for rescue groups to place into forever homes.

Champ's Ad

"Collies are the most beautiful dogs!"

Always one to be part of the solution, I took Ona’s advice and started searching Petfinder for adult dogs we thought might be a good fit for us. I started looking for medium-sized short hair doggies — thinking I wanted a dog large enough to go on long walks with us, but small enough and — um — low maintenance enough to live in our home without requiring a complete remodel.

I started sending Ned Andrew links to dogs that I thought were potential housemates. He would look and comment and not get particularly excited. He was sort of unsure about this commitment. We do have four kids, full-time jobs and he does a lot of those daily tasks that running a household requires. But after several weeks of discussions, he sort of casually mentioned that he’d always liked Collies — that they were the most beautiful dogs.

Within 20 minutes, I’d culled the entire offering of Collies in the southeastern US and sent a few links to Ned. “No, hon,” Ned would say, “not that kind of Collie. A ‘Lassie’ Collie.” Okay — 5 clicks later, I had a list of Rough Collies. If you aren’t familiar with Collie types, let’s just say that by “Rough” they mean “incredibly furry and likely to shed a large cat each day.” Undaunted (but a little incredulous — seriously? You’re okay with 11″ fur on every surface? Ooookay.) I started reading the stories posted on Petfinder. And then I found Champ’s listing. I read his story — that he was a 5 year old sweetie whose family had been transferred overseas and couldn’t take him with them.

Already in tears, I sent the link to Ned who immediately asked what would be involved to adopt this boy. I contacted the folks in Alabama. Emails and an application and phone calls and more emails flew back and forth over the next couple of days as we first found out more about Champ, then expressed interest, passed inspection, and arranged to meet him that week.

Champ & The Little Kids

Champ meets the Little Kids in Alabama

Champ’s family was eerily similar to ours — with kids the same ages and adults with shared interests — and we instantly connected. We spent an hour or so talking with Champ’s family about him and their panic and then sadness as they realized the impossibility of his going overseas. He was 2 inches too long to fly in a standard pet crate. He would have to be shipped — at a cost of over $6,000 — with no guarantee that he’d make it alive. They just couldn’t risk his being hurt or killed — at any price — and had put the sale of their home and everything else on the back burner as they frantically searched for a new family for Champ.

We walked to our car, chatting away about how gorgeous, calm, loving, and wonderful Champ was. It was our intention to be thoughtful about our choice and to go back to Tennessee and talk it over before making a decision. But as we continued our walk down the street toward our car, I started feeling a little panicky. That was *my* dog back there and I didn’t want him going to another family. But I squashed that thought.

Until we got into the car and I started to drive away. I made it all of a block before I pulled into a culdesac and took a poll. Did we want Champ as part of our family? Yes. Yes. Yes. YES! I pulled out my checkbook and wrote out a check while Ned called the rescue folks to tell them that we were coming back to place a hold on Champ. That is, if we’d passed inspection. We were told that the family was so hoping we’d want Champ because they wanted him to be with us.

Champ stayed with his Alabama family for a few more weeks, and as the transfer date drew closer, they drove him up to Tennessee to stay. It was a bittersweet day as we welcomed Champ to our home while knowing how hard it was on this family. They clearly loved their dog.

Champ Guards the Landing

Where's Champ? In the way!

Fast forward a year.

I love this dog. But you know that. He sits at my feet as I work and follows me from room to room throughout the day. He guards the house — announcing the arrivals of everyone from the UPS guy to neighbors to Ned as he pulls in from his day downtown — and the kitchen appliances as we cook dinner. We joke that the only answer to the question, “Where’s Champ?” is “In the way.” Because he’s always right where you’re planning to go next.

I sweep up daily piles of soft, Collie fur and cook him homemade food to mix in with his dry doggie kibble. He’s not particularly fond of dog food, but he does love broccoli and burger! We take long walks twice a day — often as a family — and he’s introduced us to just about everyone in our neighborhood.

His previous family warned us that people love Champ and will stop their cars to pet him — and they do. They also warned us that he would be up pacing and panting with every thunderstorm — and he is. We lovingly call him “Champ the Weather Dog” because he can predict a thunderstorm 45 minutes before we get any signs of one. This means we’ve spent many, many stormy nights hanging out in my studio and many, many mornings after napping on the sofa.

Champ Relaxed

Being on duty is exhausting!

Champ’s kept me company this past year as I lost my Grandmommy Wandi, struggled with the decision to homeschool B, and dealt with those daily realities that having four kiddos introduces to our calendars. He’s very nearly my best friend.

So, you can imagine my panic — sheer panic — when we found him non-responsive on Wednesday morning. The faithful guy who tracks my every step wouldn’t open his eyes or lift his head. We determined that he was breathing, but barely. After loads of coaxing and a fair amount of worry, he finally responded and then got up. We took him for his walk and he was slow, but seemed okay. We got home and he took a nap. When I was readying for an appointment, I noticed he wasn’t following me and went to check on him. He was completely out and, again, non-responsive. I could not rouse this dog. I called for help from Ned, the neighbors, and contacted the vet. I planned to carry him — all 80 pounds of him — to the car. Just as I went to lift him, he opened his eyes. I was able to coax him down the stairs and outside.

Once at the vet’s office, he was awake but very, very slow. She examined him, took bloods, and we waited for the results. Everything looked fine. He was incredibly groggy — spreading out flat on the floor even in the ordinarily-fascinating exam room — but we had no explanation.

Champ

Wherever we go, he goes!

We did have a $264 vet bill, but — please, don’t tell Ned — I would have paid double that to know that Champ would be okay.

I took my first deep breath of the day.

He has continued to improve and seems about 80% himself today. The vet called to check on him and is just as confused as we are about what caused him to be so — well — so out of it. Hopefully it was just “one of those things” and it will never, ever happen again.

Because, man, I love this dog.

 

Gina’s Reading: The Given Day

The Given Day - Dennis LehaneI am not a lover of mysteries or violence — a switch flipped in my head when I was pregnant with B that makes even fictionalized peril or meanness intolerable for me — so Dennis Lehane isn’t someone I would ordinarily read. However, The Given Day is a departure from Lehane’s mystery genre and my incredibly smart and well-read mother-in-law raved about the book, so I picked it up.

It is wonderful.

This epic book follows two incredibly well-drawn men through a rather rough spot in Boston history. When the characters and the historical events eventually collide it was so natural and unpredictable that I wondered whether Lehane was that brilliant or I was just that dense. I believe it is the former.

I appreciated Lehane’s creating complex characters–even when drawing on stereotypes of race and religion. When folks act according to “place” it doesn’t appear to be a shortcut, but a researched, historical portrait.

Yes, there is an abundance of violence–graphic scenes of horrible behavior–but I was so enraptured by the characters’ stories that I managed to stomach even that.

In short, I loved this book and hated to see it end.

Coaching Through Transition: Part I: Getting Started

 

Central Park -- Gina Lynette

I love to coach. As I shared in my values post, I get practically giddy at the thought of nurturing and guiding folks safely and smoothly through change — transitions and transformations.

Over the course of the next several Tuesdays, I’ll share one area of my practice that thrills me more than just about anything — coaching individuals with disabilities and their families as they transition from one life stage to another. Please note that while I’ll be describing a coaching scenario that is very similar to several families that I’ve worked with, it is an amalgamation of those conversations and is not based on any one family.

Coaching, by its very nature, is a highly individualized process involving the establishment of trust, the co-creation of goals, and ongoing support throughout the relationship. It is important when working with individuals and teams — but it is never more critical than when working with a family. Trust, co-creation, and support become trickier as we add individuals to the table, but I’ve spent my entire adult life gathering tools and skills that support individuals in assessing their current reality, establishing goals – both stretch and very realistic in nature – and enrolling their community in support of those objectives.

The Scenario

In this scenario, a family is interested in figuring out the process of transitioning their son from high school to a really, real adult life as part of his community. The son, Jon, expects to graduate at age 22 with the current class of juniors. He has been diagnosed with an intellectual disability and is receiving special education services at his local high school.

His parents are divorced but civil. His father, Dan, expects him to get a job and live on his own or with a couple of roommates. His mother, Kate, does not see him ever leaving home – there are way too many things that can go wrong. Jon’s circle of support includes extended family, classmates, several favorite teachers, people at church, and family friends.

The state where they live currently has a waiting list of about 8000 people with intellectual disabilities hoping for services and supports. With recent budget cuts, only the most urgent needs are addressed by the state system when enrolling new individuals into services. Having two living parents puts Jon near the bottom of the list of people waiting.

The parents of a classmate at school are working with me to do similar planning for their daughter. They shared my name with Kate while attending a transition workshop offered by the state’s Parent Training Institute. Kate called to find out whether I could help them figure out what their son will do after high school.

Establishing the Coaching Relationship

As Kate was referred to me by another family who is in a similar situation and who found the coaching process helpful, I’m already at somewhat of an advantage over a coach who is called from an advertisement. Kate, Jon, and Dan already have some idea of what I’m able to do, although they may not have a clear understanding of my overall role in Jon’s transition.

Even so, the first order of business is to establish trust while outlining what coaching can and cannot do for this family.

A partnership requires that coaches earn the trust of people they work with, so that can provide the right amounts of challenge and support throughout the process. — David B. Peterson

I rely heavily on a humanistic approach as a foundation of my practice and incorporate other tools and theories when needed. Walking this family through the transition planning necessary to move Jon from high school into an interdependent adult life, while paying attention to his hopes and fears and those of his parents, and helping them to build a strong circle of support will necessarily direct some of the content and most of the goals of the coaching relationship. How I guide them through this is steeped in my values, my training, and my solid belief that everyone deserves to be happy and included.

Because they do.

In Part II, I’ll share more about my role in working with Jon, Kate and Dan. I’ll also talk some about what it means to be “humanistic” in coaching… and I’ll hint a bit at how we’re going to get everyone on the same page and pointing forward.

 

For folks who like to know more, here are the references from this post:

Brouwer, P. J. (1964). The power to see ourselves. Harvard Business Review, 42(6), 156-165.

Helen Sanderson and Associates. (2007). Person centred thinking. Liberty, Missouri: HSA, USA.

Pearpoint, J., O’Brien, J., & Forest, M.  (1993). PATH: Planning possible positive futures. Inclusion Press:  Toronto.

Peterson, D. (1996). Executive coaching at work: The art of one-on-one change. Consulting Psychology Journal: Practice and Research, 48(2), 78-86.

Stober, D. R. & Grant, A. M. (eds.) (2006). Evidence based coaching handbook: Putting the best practices to work for your clients. Hoboken, NJ: John Wiley & Sons, Inc.

Values: Passion meets Purpose

values dance intuition validation gratitude creative worth love respect success flourish happiness connection flow sing positive possible pointing forward play help love beauty balanced supportive authenticity respect fun generosity integrity open Collaborative growth self-determination rest purpose bliss rest warmth nature celebration love joy delight holistic balanced supportive learning inclusive diverse fun sing breathe I mentioned Jennifer Lee’s The Right-Brain Business Plan in a Happy Quote last week and promised you’d hear more about this book and Jennifer’s smart insights.

Well, here we go…

Just to get your toe wet, we’re starting with a simple concept.

What’s that, Gina?

Values

Okay. Maybe not so simple. But it is a fundamental element of any business, project, faith, school, book, blog… well, it’s a foundational element of life.

As Jennifer points out, “When you’re aligned with your values, you’ll feel fulfilled and energized, and that is what people will resonate with the most.”

So, if you aren’t sure what you  — or what the folks you interact with — value, you’re leaving some pretty important stuff up to the prevailing winds. So, in interest of full disclosure, I’ve typed my value words into a cool little Wordle (thanks, Jonathan!) for all to see. And, while I have to admit that it’s a pretty graphic, it’s more than just words to me. These concepts bring up strong emotions when I read and think about them. That’s how I know they are my values — they are important to me and when I am not living according to my values — in my passion and purpose — I’m not happy.

But when I am in the flow — WHEW — get outta my way because nothing is gonna stop me from realizing my goals.

Except for one tiny truth: my proverbial cross to bear, the mixed blessing, my Achilles heal is that I am hardwired — trained from infancy — to put others first. So, nothing I ever do is completely about me and my goals. After years of therapy, we’ve pretty much decided that it isn’t going to be. Evidently, I’ve inherited a PhD in Empathy from my Grandmommy Wandi and, like the procrastination thing, I’ve decided to stop fighting it.

So, in short, the good news for everyone around me is that I am passionate about integrity, authenticity, inclusiveness, accessibility, self-determination, joy, and connection. My purpose is to nurture and guide folks safely and smoothly through change — transitions and transformations. I help people define and pursue their unique and authentic purposes.

Ahhhh. Feels so good to know who you are… feels even better to actually be who you are.

Which leads me to this: Where does your passion meet your purpose? What makes you sing? What makes you banana crackers when it doesn’t happen?

What do you value?

Happy Quote

I'm a Right Brain Entrepreneur: My Creative Work Matters You have full permission to dream big, create passionately, and craft a plan that makes your heart sing and helps your head know where your business is growing.

— Jennifer Lee

The Right Brain Business Plan

 

At some point soon, this book will show up in Gina’s Reading. In the meantime, I wanted you to have this quote to chew on. It’s delicious, no?

Happy Quote

Doodle 9 -- Pen on Cold-Press Watercolor Paper -- Gina Lynette

Doodle 9 -- Pen on Cold-Press Watercolor Paper -- Gina Lynette

 

If life’s too busy to doodle, life’s too busy. Doodle!

— Gina Lynette

(And who says I can’t quote myself? That’s what I thought.)

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